I believe it is human nature to wait for the right time to begin a journey. Many of us wait for the New Year to set goals. We wait for Monday to eat clean, or summer to start an exercise routine. People often experience a nagging sense of forgetfulness, or a low-grade anxiety from this waiting. Hoping and wishing that there will be that magic day or time when nothing will get in the way of change.
I sit here typing away, hoping that the words flow through my fingers as they clearly run through my mind.
I am starting this journey on a Tuesday, not a Monday. It’s June 20th, not January 1st. It is the second day of my kids’ summer break, and I have trips planned in the next few weeks.
My house is cluttered, I have laundry to fold, and I should be cooking dinner. I should be doing a lot of things right now. There are many things that I need to do today, this week, this month, even this summer. And all of these things are running through my mind.
I am trying to quite my mind and remind myself sometimes you just have to start, regardless of the circumstances.
What am I scared of?
I am scared of failing, I am scared of succeeding, I am scared of facing my ego every step of the way.
Lets get this out of the way. Who am I? Who are you reading about.
I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, a mother. I am an ex-psychiatric technician (I used to work at a maximum security facility for the criminally insane). I am an aunt, a friend, and a confidant to many. I am a writer, a soul searcher, a traveler, a cook, a baker, a cake decorator, and a star gazer. I am a nature lover, a sunset admirer, and a moon worshipper. I believe in magic, and the healing power of crystals. I’m an essential oil promoter, and an advocate of the responsible use of psychedelics. I read horoscopes and love all religions. I am an introvert attempting to be an extrovert, a people pleaser, and sometimes a scared little girl. I am often out spoken, off-base, highly opinionated, and passionate beyond my own beliefs. I can be gullible, naive, and jaded toward so many things. I am overly emotional, and obsessively analytical. I have been fighting waves of depression and anxiety since I was young. I am grateful, over-joyed, and I see the beauty in everything. I find humor in everyday life, in the social structure, the media, and the cosmic reel of common problems. I enjoy learning, and when I am not progressing toward growth I feel an emptiness that can’t be described in words.
That description, complies all of my labels. My masks. Those are my titles, my characteristics, the words that I know define me, that keep me in a box created by what we call reality. Words that keep me behaving and thinking in predetermined ways.
Who am I?
I am a living human.
Who am I becoming?
I have no idea.
What I do know, is I will no longer waste my time thinking about a better me, a better life, a better world; I will get started creating one. Step by step, moment by moment, day by day, embarrassing failure after failure, success after success.
And now for the next important question.
Who are you?
Are you a list of labels? Are you defining yourself by the roles you perform? Are you so boldly confident in the life you are living to say to yourself, “this is who I am meant to be,” “this is the version of myself that is most closely aligned to my highest potential?”
Is the person staring back at you in the mirror a reflection of your dreams?
I am a lover of consciousness. A child of the universe. A being of unspeakable power, and so are you.
What does that exactly mean? I am not sure, I have ideals of what it means, but I don’t know exactly what it means. How could I? I am only a human living in the present moment, conscious of only what I can perceive. Consciousness is not an exact science, the exploration of the soul is abstract, and the journey requires personal interpretation.
Getting started on an abstract journey with no clear definition of an actual beginning or an end is confusing, and it can seem insurmountable.
I have played this game with myself before: talking myself into, and out of living my life the way I dream it. Even at this moment I am wavering ever so slightly to type these words.
I want to change, I want to wake up past this stage of stale forgetfulness. Sorry if that statement is less than descriptive, what I am saying is: I have left myself hanging in a balance of knowing where I need to go, feeling it in my gut, seeing the signs, yet I stay in a perpetual stage of inaction.
Anyone out there feel the same?
Anyone else accidentally start waking up to this so called reality? I truly mean accidentally, because no one in the right mind would choose to feel this out of place. At times I beg for the wool to be pulled back over my eyes. I wish I could go back to the story where my only desires consisted of improving my physical world.
I reminisce about times when all I wanted was nicer things and more money. When all I talked about was the weather. When I called America the greatest. When I obsessed endless about my appearance. When I loved gossiping, and was the queen of judging others while simultaneously ignoring my own short comings. When my ego was in control, and I had no sense of Self. When I had no idea what it meant to be deeply connected to the collective universe.
At times, I beg myself to go back to the days when my heart didn’t ache a little every second for the state of our existence. But, I can’t go back, no one can, once you begin to awaken there is no turning back. There are slips, trips, falls, and full out stalls, but there is no turning back.
Getting started when I am already started. What a concept. I feel that I need to constantly clarify what I am talking about or feeling, and this constant need to understand — instead of experience — is the main obstacle in my life. I keep beating this same dead place with stick, expecting new results.
I think about the concept of this project — this blog — and I know where I want it to go. I know my intention, but because I don’t have all the details I force myself into talking in circles.
I forces myself to mince my words, and hold back my thoughts. Pausing every few seconds to apologize for who I am. Whatever that means. Maybe one day I will find out. Anyway…
Here’s to my first post, may there be many more after.
Here’s to doing more, getting started, and never waiting for that magic day to create the life that you desire.
Here’s to creating a life that makes the universe proud, the angels sing, and our higher selves rejoice!