I believe it is human nature to wait for the right time to begin a journey. Many of us wait for the New Year to set goals. We wait for Monday to eat clean, or summer to start an exercise routine. We can experience a nagging sense of forgetfulness or a low-grade anxiety from this waiting. Hoping and wishing that there will be that magic day, where nothing will get in the way of change.
I sit here typing away, hoping that the words flow through my fingers as I have imagined it so many times. I am fresh out of a float tank, drinking a kombucha, renewed in my mind-set for change. It’s Tuesday, not Monday. It’s June 20th, not January 1st. It is the second day of my kids summer break. I have vacations, and trips planned in the next few weeks.
My house is cluttered, I have laundry to fold, and I should be cooking dinner. I should be doing a lot of things right now, there are hundreds of things that I need to do today, this week, this month, even this summer. All of it is running through my mind. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, I need to go buy dog food tomorrow, my kids are playing outside with the hose and I should go tell them to turn it off. My head is never quiet, regardless of this noise, and the constant distraction I have to get started.
Sometimes you just have to start. I am not just talking about writing this post, I am talking about change in general . The slow and steady change of creating myself into the person I truly am. This is a difficult task, not because I am not capable of change but because I am scared.
What am I scared of?
I am scared of failing, I am scared of succeeding, I am scared of facing my ego every step of the way.
Who am I?
I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother. I am an ex-psychiatric technician. I am an aunt, a friend, and a confidant. I am a writer, a soul searcher, a traveler, a cook, a baker, a cake decorator, and a star gazer. I am a nature lover, a sunset admirer, I’m cloud obsessed, and a moon worshipper. I believe in magic, and the healing power of crystals. I’m an essential oil promoter, and an advocate of the responsible use of psychedelics. I read horoscopes and love all religions. I am an introvert trying to be an extrovert, a people pleaser, and a scared little girl. I am out spoken, off base, highly opinionated, and passionate beyond my own beliefs. I am gullible, naive, and jaded toward so many things. I am overly emotional, and obsessively analytical. I have been fighting waves of depression and anxiety since I was young. I am grateful, over joyed, and see the beauty in everything. I find humor in everyday life, in the social structure, the media, and the cosmic reel of common problems. I enjoy learning and when I am not progressing toward growth I feel an emptiness that can’t be described in words.
That description, those are just labels. Masks. Those are titles and characteristics, made to define me, and keep me in a box. Words that keep me behaving and thinking in predetermined ways.
Who am I?
I literally have no idea.
Who am I becoming?
I have no idea.
What I do know, is I will no longer waste my time thinking about a better me, a better life, a better world, I will get started creating one. Step by step, moment by moment, day by day, embarrassing failure after failure, success after success.
Who are you?
Are you a list of labels? Are you defining yourself by the roles you perform? Are you so boldly confident in the life you are living to say to yourself, “this is who I am meant to be”, “this is the version of myself that is most closely aligned to my highest potential”? Is the person staring back at you in the mirror a reflection of your dreams?
I am a lover of consciousness. A child of the universe. A being of unspeakable power, and so are you.
What does that exactly mean? I am not sure, I have ideals of what it means but I don’t know what it means? How could I? This is not an exact science, the exploration of the soul is abstract and up for interpretation.
Getting started on a abstract journey with no clear definition of an actual beginning or an end seems confusing and insurmountable. I have played this game with myself before, talking myself into and out of living my life the way I dream it. Even at this moment I am wavering very so slightly to type these words.
I want to change, I want to wake up past this stage of stale forgetfulness. Sorry if that statement is less than descriptive, what I am saying is, I have left myself hanging in a balance of knowing where I need to go, feeling it in my gut, seeing the signs, yet I stay in a perpetual stage of inaction.
Anyone out there feel the same? Anyone else accidentally start waking up to this so called reality? I truly mean accidentally because no one in the right mind would choose to feel this out of place. I beg for the wool to be pulled back over my eyes constantly. I wish that I could go back to when the story of a perfect life made sense and my only desires where to better my physical world.
Get nicer things, make more money, talk about the weather, call America the greatest, obsess endless about my looks, gossip and judge others, while completely ignoring my own short comings. When my ego was in control and I had no sense of self, no deeper connection to the collective universe.
I beg myself to go back to the days when my heart didn’t ache a little every second for the state of our existence. But I can’t go back, no one can, once you begin to awaken there is no turning back. There are slips, trips, falls, and full out stalls, but there is no turning back.
Did I go too far? Did I lose you yet? I hope not. I hope if you understand my words you are encouraging me because you have already been there, or rejoicing because now you know you aren’t alone, maybe I am confusing you but I hope you like it anyway.
Getting started, when I am already started. What a concept. I feel that I need to constantly clarify what I am talking about or feeling. I keep beating this same dead place with stick, expecting new results, when I know the answer is clear. I know it is time to move forward. I know fear of the unknown is what holds me back.
I think about the concept of this project, and I know where I want it to go. I know my intention, but my misperceived lack of confidence fights with me, and tries to force me into talking in circles.
Forces me to mince my words, and hold back my thoughts due to a mixture of self judgment and worry of what others will think. Pausing every few seconds to apologize for who I am. Waiting in the wings for certain people in my life to catch up. Holding myself back because I don’t want to be alone. Only to ultimately figure out, that all of those things point to my fears, even as my ego blames everyone around me.
There is this loud ringing in my ears and the sound is my voice repeating, “say less, do more”. So heres to doing more, getting started, and that magic day where change becomes actions and not just an idea. Heres to not holding back and facing fears. Heres to laughing at self judgement and smiling in the wake of those who project their negative energies on to others.
Heres to creating a life that makes the universe proud, the angels sing, and my higher self rejoice; for this go around I will make more than the best of my time on earth.