Letters to a Ghost #2

I am not scared to be alone.

I am not holding on to a life that I don’t want, because I don’t want to lose what I have.

I am holding on because I don’t want to be wrong.

If I am wrong I lose everything.

I don’t have my comfort and familiar place, the place that I have had for so long.

And I won’t have my imagination either.

If I am wrong I will kill all that is left inside of me.

I am scared that if I am alone, my desire for the imaginary will consume me.

And I will scare it away.

I don’t want to be stuck chasing a love that I can never have, and a life that is only a dream.

I know how obsessed I am with your presence and I know I can distract myself with my reality for now. But oh my god, remove distraction, and I would be desperate to paint rainbows in the sky, never sleeping or stoping to eat.

I feel the distance. I can barely stand it. If it was more intense I have no idea who I would become.

I fear you, you are too intoxicating. I wonder to myself is this how all humans react in your presence. I fear I am nothing special and you will never grace me with forever.

And as time wears away I will be left as empty as I was before I knew you existed.

I have allowed myself to be carried away and I am more than fearful that I am alone in this current.

We continue to do nothing more than this simple existence. Maybe hoping the other one will decide first.

Maybe not.

Maybe I am the only one thinking it is time to jump.

It is too soon.

Everything is always too soon. I wonder, do people ever really know? Do others who have jumped, really know? Maybe others do, and we are scared because the clock is ticking closely near the end.

I am stressing. I always do when I am away from you.

Come back to me my muse.