Finding My True Self, Self Judgement is Real

Here I am, struggling again with too many thoughts. This post started out titled “Dreams Part 2”, where I was going to dive into my beliefs on how society shapes our desires, and creates a world were people lose themselves to consumerism.

Edit after edit, the post turned into a cut and paste nightmare with over 5,500 words. Not exactly what I was going for. I kept going over and over my words, and finally I decided the reason why I kept changing it, and the reason why I was having such a hard time focusing my thoughts, was because I was jumping ahead in my story

Nothing I was saying was making any logically sense, because I have not even started to break the ice on how I have become the person I am today. I was attempting to write in a style that is not my own. I struggled and struggled until I just threw my hands up and walked away.

I almost scrapped all of those 5,500 words! That would have been a tragedy. I am so happy that I realized I was trying to tell the end of the story without telling the beginning. So now I can refocus. Refocusing, out loud, for all of you to see of course. How else could I get my head straight if it wasn’t for talking it out (writing it out).

I am trying to reach the point where I write first what is in my heart, and not what is in my head. (Somewhere in the middle of these words you might be asking yourself, “What is the point here? Why should I care about your story?”, my only response for now is, because.) With that being said, my obsession with talking about dreams is not over, I will simple resign to the fact that it is a huge work in progress.

How could it not be a work in progress, I mean, I am not talking about dreams that haunt us in the night. I am talking about dreams that create our perceptions of reality. I am talking about waking up from a dream, to realizing how lost we are as humans. I am talking about, how no matter what, as a species we are experiencing a spiritual revolution. A mass Awakening.

You don’t have to believe it. You don’t have to accept it. You don’t even have to feel it.

Denying this awakening will not make it stop. During the process of awakening, a person can react in many different ways. Run screaming for the hills. Embrace it. Work toward understanding what is happening.

Reactions to awakening are limitless.

I am choosing to embrace and gain awareness. I choose to work toward accepting and knowing that I am the center of my universe, and I have the capabilities to create the life experience I desire.

I choose to work on honing my reality.

I don’t remember the day that the words, “Honing Your Reality”, came to me.  I do remember that I started using it as a hashtag on my Instagram page before anything else. It is my way of saying, its time to tune into the frequency of your own life. Don’t just tune into it, but sharpen your ability to flow with your frequency.

The more aligned you are to the frequency of your higher self, the more you will see your dreams come alive. I am not the originator of this idea, I just named it in words of my own understanding.

The idea being that, your thoughts create the world around you. That you are the center of your own universe. You are the creator of your own destiny. You are in control of how you view the world. The idea that, what happens to you, the lessons you learn, and all of your waking life, is designed around your perceptions, thoughts, words, and dreams.

This idea is how I see the world. I believe that understanding this is the gateway to self awareness and self love.

Awareness of this, and acceptance of this, are two different things. As acceptance of this, and application of this, are also two different things.

But…What do we love to say…acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. Well…welcome to step one. Acknowledging that we have a conciseness problem here on Earth.

We as humans have a problem, we tend to fall victim to our own lives.

There are countless people out there telling their stories in an attempt to shake the cobwebs from the heads of those who suffer from living their lives blind, sleeping on the illusion that they are in complete control. These consciousness elevators, are gentling whispering in anyone’s ear who will listen, “hey, look around, things are not quite as they seem”.

My writing is my whisper. If you know me personally, you know that at times, my voice is a little louder than a whisper. I can’t help it, I get passionate.

I am not denying that I have a long way to go on my spiritual path, I am embracing it (sometimes, lol). I am also not denying the tremendous amount of work I have already put in. I recognize that I fluctuate between alignment and disillusion. I fall into resistance, and then float away with elevation. I go from knowing, to doubting everything very quickly.

I am human, and there is so much for me to learn, and I love that about life, and I want you to love it too. I am just an every day gal, who wants to spread love into all of existence. The frustrating thing is, I keep procrastinating.

Give me my emotions and some adversity and I am a writing machine, but when I am busy and distracted, I pull away. I begin down a familiar path of trying to control myself.

That is always where I am going wrong; in the presence of control, I take my thoughts and I start mincing them. Cutting up my emotions and flow into tiny pieces instead of my story. I struggle with where to begin, and I find myself starting over and over again. I forget that I am telling you a story and instead I start trying to make a point.

I am literally just so desperate, I always feel like I am running out of time. Part of me is running to the finish line grabbing anyone who will come with me. Another part of me is sitting in the grass patiently observing how everything is unfolding. The undeniable part is that I am sitting here, in the present moment, shedding layers of baggage with each passing day.

Observing how my transformation has changed me is compelling me to make it public and obvious for anyone to see, but I struggle.

I want you to see the story but I am trying to say big ideas, no huge ideas, no gigantic ideas, no universally infinite ideas in the matter of a few words. The statistics of attention spans scare me. The possibility that I am too wordy, to confusing, not interesting enough, NOT, NOT, NOT, is back again.

It is sneaky, that sense of doubt, it just slips right in. I have noticed that the lies I tell myself are far more powerful than any form of doubt.

The lie, I tell myself is that I have to be a certain way. This has been my issue since day one and here I am still talking about. I am constantly thinking, “what should I be writing about?”, instead of writing what is in my heart. My issue of believing that there is something that a reader is looking for, is ridiculous.

This issue is not just about writing, this is about life in general. I have a sickness of the mind, that tells me I have to be a certain way to be accepted, and I am sorry to break this to you, my dear sweet lovely humans, but so do you.

No matter what you are telling yourself right now, you have a belief that shapes who you are. Some of you, might align more closely with who your “true self” calls you to be than others. Some of you, might completely disbelieve in this concept of a “true self”, or “higher self”, and that is totally okay.

You can tune in or tune out. Like me or find me pretentious. You can know me and love me. You can be close to me and never understand me. Behind my back you can speculate and judge. You can question me to my face (or in the comments). You can take me or leave me. All of it is okay.

When it comes to the coldness that seeps from our ego filled minds just remember; all coldness bring coldness, all kindness brings kindness, all love brings love, all understanding brings understanding, compassion for compassion.

Use me as a mirror. Your own verbal reflection. For I am nothing else.

 

4 Replies to “Finding My True Self, Self Judgement is Real”

  1. The most inspirational and insightful post I’ve read in the passed month. I’ve literally felt like all of my own struggles have been put into words. I’ve identified with what you wrote so much, because I, too, am on that iceberg of spreading awareness and really getting to know me. Self judgement, hate and doubt are truly ones of the biggest problems this world is facing, and here is the trickiest point when you hear all the judgement and the hate. Personally, I was stunned to discover how much they existed in me. The greatest my awareness the smaller they get. I wish you luck on your own journey. It was really a fantastic, motivating read, and for me, just what I needed right now.

    Like

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