My spirit, my soul, my higher self, is always talking to me. How often am I listening?
Not as often as I’d like.
It is not anyone’s fault but my own that I keep talking in circles. I know that searching for the right time or the right string of words is ridiculous. I am motivated to move forward in my life, but I have a nagging feeling inside of me. A feeling that keeps me lost in my true intention for writing.
I created a problem for myself when began this blog. I wanted to do it for years. I talked about it for months. When I finally did it, half of me was nervous and scared, and the other half of me was relaxed and confident. Those feelings have not subsided. I go back and forth constantly with feelings of whether I am on the right track or not.
Ultimately, I did it, I created the blog of my dreams. I won’t take it down, I don’t feel any sense of regret, but there is still a desire to drag my feet. I feel like I have to declare, that while I do not feel that creating the blog was a mistake, I do feel that I went about it all wrong.
Wrong, because I forced myself to defined it. Wrong, in the sense that, I thought I had to define it in the first place. Wrong, because I have been trying to fit a mold that I don’t actually fit.
Most of us know that to start a blog you should have a purpose, a category, or a target audience. At least that is what all the articles say when you google ,”how to start a blog”. So I labeled it, and I regretted it ever since.
For me, it started like this.
I have always dreamed of being a writer. An influential human. I have pictured myself standing at podiums giving speeches.
About what? Empowerment!
I have envisioned these things for as long as I can remember.
When I started to write again, after more than a decade of absence, I wrote about everything that was boiling up inside of me. I wrote poems and short rants about my new found passion for life. I took what I saw around me, and my experiences and I wrote. I wanted to share what was in my heart with everyone.
I wanted to share with the world what was happening inside of me, what I identified as, “waking up”. I wanted to spread my experience into the world so that others, could also begin to wake from the sleeping autopilot of life. I wanted to share, and challenge those around me to look at the world differently.
When I started writing, I saw my words forming into a conversation, a conversation with anyone in the world who would listen, and I asked myself.
Why am I doing this?
“I am trying to help change the world.”
How can I reach the most people?
“A blog, for I am a WRITER!”
Who else out there is working to help the world enter into a more conscious reality?
At this thought, I began searching the internet for answers. I began filling myself with ideas that continued my expansion. I focused on the information that strengthened my views of the world, and I sat back and said, “see it is already happening”.
I saw the visionaries, healers, teachers, and people of influence that I sought, forging ahead in the battle for increasing world consciousness.
I saw them and felt relieved that the work had already started. I saw that the movement toward change was bigger than I imagined, and I was happy.
I was happy, but some thing else started to brew inside of my mind as I sat back. I began telling myself that I could relax, and that my words were not needed. I assumed my abstraction, and love for poetry was not what the world was looking for. I was also convinced that I couldn’t write in any other fashion besides poetry.
I convinced myself that I was confusing and emotional and that everyone already “doing it”, was doing it better than I ever could.
I tricked myself into believing, that just as I did, anyone could crawl on to the internet, turn on a podcast, flip through the documentaries on Netflix, run into the right person, or find some synchronicity in their life that could help them see the world more clearly.
I began holding myself back with self criticism, and I was bringing out confirmation bias in everyone I knew. Even when my friends or family members said something supportive about my writing, I would secretly feel that they were lying to protect me from the truth. The truth, in my mind, was that I was delusional and had a false sense of self-worth.
I got hooked on this idea, that I had to be something better than I was, to be who I saw in my dreams. My ego was very convincing, and I resigned to the belief that I was never going to make a difference in anyone’s life, even my own.
So I went inward. I craved solitude. I believed that I was destined to live a life half fulfilled. I let this belief grow like a festering wound.
Regardless of my sadness, I didn’t stop writing, or trying to work on my personal growth. I just kept it hidden from most of my outside world. I even became accustomed to telling people close to me, that I could not talk about what I was feeling or thinking. I said I had to keep it to myself, because I was too confused to share.
I literally feared my growth. I feared the fact that I felt like a liar. I feared that people would judge me as I judged myself.
As I became an observer of this judgmental behavior, and began working to improve it. I crossed my fingers that things on the outside of me would change too. Unfortunately, all I saw was the same old story, retelling itself in a different way.
Living life in a cycle, is not progress.
Why do I write?
So I can see what I am thinking.
Why have I chosen to write for your eyes too?
In hopes that you can see a reflection of yourself in me. Or to allow you to feel safe in knowing, you are alone.
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Ask yourself. Are you living a life half fulfilled, or are you fully embracing who you are?
Please follow my page for more thoughts on awakening.
Keep writing. There is magic in putting our words and thoughts out there. It does often feel raw and underdeveloped (when I post anyway) but the practice gives us the chops to keep going, keep working, keep generating. I don’t know where it leads either, but the satisfaction I get from writing is totally worth it even if it just leads me further inward. Best to you. I look forward to reading more about your journey.
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Awww!!! Thank you for the kindness and encouragement.
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Howdy,
Wow! This is almost Me in a nutshell. I am on WordPress today to see what I started a year or so ago. I came across this and it really hit home. I have embarked on a quest for the truth and to set My Spirit free. Yet I keep myself in a bondage of fear and isolation. That I am not important and no one really wants to hear what I have to say. Okay Me, time to pack up that bondage and ship it out! 🙂 Time to let the Rebel Warrior out and get busy. Thank you for the article!, SpiritsFreedom63 – aka Sandi
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I am so glad it spoke to you!!! Much love ❤️
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