Experiencing a spiritual awaken is not magic, it is real work. I can tell you first hand, waking up is like getting slapped across the face, hard, and then every time you begin to fall back to sleep you are shaken violently. Shaken so hard it makes your head spin and your ears ring.
I don’t know about you, but I would like to avoid those painful reality checks as much as possible. But, for the life of me, I can’t figure out how to avoid the pain.
At first I hoped I could just be blindly positive, but that didn’t work. For some reason I kept kicking my own legs out from under me. Then, I decided I would just go back to how life was before the veil was lifted from my eyes.
That was literally impossible, once the veil is lifted, one can only pretend that it can go back down.
So here am, knowing I have to keep going forward. I know, I have to relax and flow with the energy of life, but at times, I just can’t. I am just so accustomed to hanging on with all my might.
Do you know what I am talking about? Please answer me if you can.
I keep fueling this desire to speak out to anyone who is listening. Like, somewhere deep inside, I know, community will decrease my perception of pain. Not just for me but for everyone.
I know this, but I am still scared of everything, mostly sacred of living life to the “fullest.”
In my last post about spiritual awakening, I spoke about how in the past I attempted to convince myself that I have no place trying to help others because, I think, I cannot even help myself.
What a struggle I am creating for myself! A struggle because I am helping myself, everyday I am gaining more awareness. It doesn’t matter whether I am resisting, or full of ego, or being humble, or patient, or smart, or stupid, I am doing the working.
I am doing the work, but at times I do not integrating my work into my life. Awakening is not magic! It is tears, and fears, it is hard, and will challenge you more than anything.
In the past, recent or distant, I definitely was not focusing on integrating my progress into my everyday life. Today, to be completely honest, I do more ego observing to understand my behavior, than anything else.
But integration is where it is at!!! I know this!!
Do you have any idea what life looks like without integration?
It looks like someone living a split life.
For the last two years that concept has grown inside of me.
What is split life living? How does it present? In me, it looked/looks like this…
I have been changing and growing over the years, but I keep most of it inside. I continue to play the roles, and wear the masks that are expected of me in the outside world.
This makes no sense! Absolutely, no sense at all! I have once again played ego tricks on myself.
Have you ever noticed how you change in the presence of different people? Maybe you don’t, if not I applaud you, because for me this is a challenge. I find, I wear whichever skin will suit me best in specific situations, and I desire very badly to decrease this behavior in myself.
I am, for a girl, what most people would describe as vulgar. I curse often, I use the F word as if my life depends on it. Most of the time I don’t notice when I am using it, and I try my best to pay attention to the use of this word in the presence of children, and other groups of people.
In my mind, I am being respectful and sensitive to the needs of other people. That is how I was raised to be.
So who is real? The foul mouthed sailor, or the person who is sensitive to others needs? I see myself morphing into different people all the time, and I seem the feel as if my core stays intact, or at least I think it does. My outsides seem to favor everyone’s comfort but my own.
The use of this example does not mean I want to go around saying, “hey Grandma, can you pass the fuckin salt shaker,” during Christmas dinner. I can almost guarantee I will always watch my mouth. It’s not the actual example that you should be hung up on, it is the idea.
The example is just to show you how I notice myself changing to suit my surrounds.
Ready for another example?
A constant for me, during the last few years, has been, working on, not judging, and this includes not judging myself. This can be very challenging depending on who I am around, and what skin or mask I am wearing. As I said before, I can have the tendency to favor fitting the roles that are expected of me instead of integrating who I am becoming with my outside environment.
So, lets say I am hanging out with a friend who I normally would gossip with. I go into this situation telling myself that I truly do not want to gossip or judge others, but I fail and by the 2nd hour, then my friend and I are deep in a reality where I am pointing out the flaws I see in everything and everyone.
How does this make me feel? It makes me confused and in my mind I begin to diminish all the work I have put into my personal growth.
And for what? What am I afraid of? Being true to myself? Standing up for what is right? Hurting my friend?
Stop, I tell myself. Stop asking questions and just look at yourself. I urge myself not to answer any of those questions, but just stop and be honest. Honesty says. I have knowledge of how I judge others. I have knowledge of how I judge myself. I have knowledge of how judgement is only a reflection of my own pain. I have accepted these things that I know, but I don’t integrate them into my life.
Meaning I have not actually changed. The change is only imagined. Or glorified. Or daydreamed. There is no true change until I stop hiding. I don’t know if this is how it is for everyone, but this is how it is for me.
It doesn’t matter what I believe on the inside or what I work on silently behind closed doors, if I don’t show up on the outside, it is not real. My ego stops me from making these changes, and instead of progressing forward I head back to judging myself.
I judge myself harshly, my judgements are obvious, at the level of self awareness I have, I can’t deny or hide from myself. This is waking up. When I could no longer be negative without feeling the pain of my actions. Without seeing how all the pain points back to me.
I am living unaligned. I am denying my true potential. I am hiding from myself. Me. No one else is doing this to me.
I have always, so easily, given up on my dreams of being a piece of positive change. I have screamed at myself “you’re not perfect, people are looking for answers, not a cry baby, that is why you’re insignificant.” I am a worrier, a complainer, and I never implement anything my instincts lead me to.
So what in the name of the universe am I doing here? Still writing, still thinking, still trying, still talking a lot. There is something inside of me that won’t let me given up, no matter how convincing I am at times. No matter how negative and depressed I feel. No matter if I am writing to everyone or just myself.