My ego is like an lion. It can relax in the shade with the hum of flies filling the air, but it will attack at the first sign of trouble.
Do I enjoy this about myself? No.
Am I better than I was in the past? Of course.
In my last post I began talking about something I refer to as “split life living”, this is my belief that many people function in society apart from who they truly are. I strongly believe that the majority of humans carry on living their lives locked inside their own personal prison. A prison created by their egos and society.
No matter what my ego does, while exploring this topic, of split life living, I will not back down from believing that people are holding themselves hostage for reasons they don’t even recognize.
Every single day I tell myself I am wrong about this idea, and that I am the only one who struggles with being true to myself. My ego tries to convince me that the more I write the more ridiculous I sound.
So I have to stay on track, I have to act like that lame nagging voice in my head doesn’t bother me. I have to endlessly talk about what is on my mind, so I can hear and see from others that I am not just losing my mind. That I am not just driving deeper into a reality tunnel where I wake up one day alone and feeling full of shit.
I won’t back down from my belief that living an authentic life, does not come easily for a large number of humans.
Do you know why I know this? I know, because I have lived, and I have spent time listening to everything around me.
Don’t understand what I am talking about? Just listen to the inconsistencies in your own thoughts and speech that pop up on a daily basis. Then think about what you choose to actually speak into the world. Is it aligned? Only you know the truth of that question.
The path that I have found in life that leads to truth is the practice of self love. The more I love myself the more I love everything around me. The more I love myself the more understanding I am, the less judgment I pass.
Ask yourself, and honestly answer, are you practicing self love or are you consumed with distraction?
I am here to tell you, finding the answer to that question is not easy. It is not easy and there is no quick fix. Personally, I have so many thoughts, so many things I am working on in my life, that sometimes I get confused and I forget and I get ahead of myself. Sometimes I am killing it, and then I start doubting myself and I begin to resist.
I resist growth because it hurts to step outside of my comfort zone. It hurts to begin detaching from all that I know, all that I believe is “me”, all that defines me as me. It hurts to confront the ego, to learn how to make space for this thing that believes in defensive moves, and looking for answers outside of it’s self.
Let’s all do a little exercise. Let’s call it Naming the Ego. The ego loves labels. I will do it out loud and you can do it however best suits you right now.
Meaning you can completely skip actually doing this exercise and only focus on my responses; or you can just think of labels in general, or you can think of your own personal labels, you can write down your thoughts, you can share what you come up with a close friend, or you can post them in the comment section to liberate yourself from these limiting beliefs. Do what feels right.
My ego believes:
I am lost, confused, worthless, unintelligent, weird, angry, naive, weak, and a liar.
I am locked into a reality that says I can’t change my life. I am stationary, a mother, someone’s wife, I have roles.
I fill these roles by acting out the stories that are written in the words of someone else’s creation.
Those are a few lines my ego has created to keep me from self-love. Keep me a victim of the world and not the champion of my own story. Using the ego as a gauge, you might assume I have low “self esteem”, or “low confidence”. Not true.
I don’t live by those ego definitions even though I at times experience them. My ego is growing weak and my self love is taking control. My ego can speak all it wants, but I don’t have to listen. No one does. Those are lies, those are just pieces of past stories. Do they exist? Yes, but only when you choose to give them attention.
Not too long ago I was talking to a friend. She was expressing her frustrations, she was feeling out of place, and her emotions were taking over. I told her I understood. I told her I have been there many times. I shared with her where I was on my current roller coaster of emotions. Her response, “oh but you seem so strong”.
That comment made me laugh. I thought, wait can’t I have room for both. Like, I can either be happy or confused. We are so conditioned to believe we don’t have space for both. During this conversation with my friend, I WAS getting a little CONFUSED.
Isn’t that what people want to hear? That they can be both, happy and confused, and still choose to love life? Apparently not. Apparently fairy tales and positivity is all that sells.
I struggle to write outside of poetry because I still struggle with letting you know who I really am. Sometimes that is because I struggle with knowing who I truly am, and sometimes I struggle because I am scared of not being able to hide. With poetry, I can speak in terms of emotions, and how things feel. I can use words that have ambitious meanings. Since poetry is an art form, it is up for interpretation and I don’t necessarily feel responsible for how my poetry makes you feel. That is your journey.
With poetry I can remain impartial and bank on the fact that you aren’t spending much time thinking about what brought me to those words.
I am in the process of using these same understandings, that I have of poetry, and apply them to my storytelling.
I have convinced myself so many times of certain beliefs about writing that I am becoming sick of the voices in my head. I am over the lies and assumptions that I make on a daily basis. Unfortunately, no matter how tired I am of this cycle I am stuck in, I still have to work through each problem out loud. I must work through them because each road block I run into is like an alarm in my head.
As the alarm sounds, all I can hear is a quiet voice whispering, “look, we found one”. What did my collection of helpful voices find? They found a sore spot, an ego button, an area in my life where I am not aligned. A place where I hold pain and energetic memories of the past. These are lessons that I have not learned. Sometimes I lie to myself and say that I have learned and I am ready to move on, but those lies always surface and they are often more painful the second, third, fourth time around.
I am sure you have an understanding of what I am talking about. Maybe we don’t use the same words, and maybe we are not at the same spot in life of understanding, acceptance, and integration, but it is of my opinion that no matter where we are on our journeys, we are capable of hearing each other out.
I am someone who has lived a life that is no better or worse than you. I am someone who has a knowing in their heart when it comes to life. Someone who feels more than thinks. Someone who filters their words constantly out of fear (except for when I write poetry). I know, through a feeling inside of my soul, that the essence of existence is calling to all of us all the time. I am in the process of figuring out how I can get this knowing from feelings into words.
I am in the process of getting out of my own way so I can share with the world my gift. It is my opinion that I am having a hard time because I am in denial of who I am, and because the closer I get to starting my story the closer I come to changing my entire world.
I do feel like I start over every time I pick up my pen, or keyboard, but I know why I do it. I do it because every time I start talking I have to talk myself into talking. I have to convince my ego that I know what I am taking about. I have to shut my ego up with promises that no matter what I say I will still be loved. Hopefully that decreases with time. But for now I will be working on the struggle of honesty with how I got here in the first place, but that will be for another post or 5.
Until next time my dears, happy living.
What do you choose?