I believe it is human nature to wait for the right time to begin a journey. Many of us wait for the New Year to set goals. We wait for Monday to eat clean, or summer to start an exercise routine. We can experience a nagging sense of forgetfulness or a low-grade anxiety from this waiting. Hoping and wishing that there will be that magic day, where nothing will get in the way of change.
I sit here typing away, hoping that the words flow through my fingers as I have imagined it so many times. I am fresh out of a float tank, drinking a kombucha, renewed in my mind-set for change. It’s Tuesday, not Monday. It’s June 20th, not January 1st. It is the second day of my kids summer break. I have vacations, and trips planned in the next few weeks. My house is cluttered, I have laundry to fold, and I should be cooking dinner. I should be doing a lot of things right now, there are hundreds of things that I need to do today, this week, this month, even this summer. All of it is running through my mind. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, I need to go buy dog food tomorrow, my kids are playing outside with the hose and I should go tell them to turn it off. My head is never quiet, regardless of this noise, and the constant distraction I have to get started.
Sometimes you just have to start. I am not just talking about writing this post, my first post that will launch me into a new world, I am talking about change in general . The slow and steady change of creating myself into the person I truly am. This is a difficult task, not because I am not capable of change but because I am scared.
What am I scared of?
I am scared of failing, I am scared of succeeding, I am scared of facing my ego every step of the way.
Who am I?
I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother. I am an ex-psychiatric technician. I am an aunt, a friend, and a confidant. I am a writer, a soul searcher, a traveler, a cook, a baker, a cake decorator, and a star gazer. I am a nature lover, a sunset admirer, I’m cloud obsessed, and a moon worshipper. I believe in magic, and the healing power of crystals. I’m an essential oil promoter, and an advocate of psychedelics. I read horoscopes and love all religions. I am an introvert trying to be an extrovert, a people pleaser, and a scared little girl. I am out spoken, off base, highly opinionated, and passionate beyond my own beliefs. I am gullible, naive, and jaded toward so many things. I am overly emotional, and obsessively analytical. I have been fighting waves of depression and anxiety since I was young. I am grateful, over joyed, and see the beauty in everything. I find humor in everyday life, in the social structure, the media, and the cosmic reel of common problems. I enjoy learning and when I am not progressing toward growth I feel an emptiness that can’t be described in words.
That description, those are just labels. Masks. Those are titles and characteristics, made to define me, and keep me in a box. Words that keep me behaving and thinking in predetermined ways.
Who am I?
I literally have no idea.
Who am I becoming?
I have no idea.
What I do know, is I will no longer waste my time thinking about a better me, a better life, a better world, I will get started creating one. Step by step, moment by moment, day by day, embarrassing failure after failure, success after success.
Who are you?
Are you a list of labels? Are you defining yourself by the roles you perform? Are you so boldly confident in the life you are living to say to yourself, “this is who I am meant to be”, “this is the version of myself that is most closely aligned to my highest potential”? Is the person staring back at you in the mirror a reflection of your dreams?
I am a lover of consciousness. A child of the universe. A being of unspeakable power, and so are you.
So let’s get started exploring.